The Big Date
by Sushi Hoshi
Summary: Really cheesy title, but it's a pretty, um... okay story.. Aw heck, just read it!!
1. The Date....

__The Big Date

By Robin Wright__

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Author's Note: Okay, I admit, it's really stupid, but hey, Valentine's Day is coming. I just **had** to write something honouring it. This has quite a bit of obvious and not-so-brilliant satire on my part. So... just read, enjoy, and have a great Valentine's Day, whether you have a sweetie or not! (I will, personally, be warding off phone calls from a certain cowboy who won't go away while eating chocolates in my bathrobe. As if you wanted to know that....) Bon sante. - Robin Wright _

  
  
  
  
  
  


Link rode his horse through the green grass of Hyrule Field. He was on his way to visit a friend. The sun wasn't as bright as usual, but it was the middle of Grenela (their equivalent to our February) and slightly less than sunny weather was not odd. 

On his back was strapped a bouquet of flowers. That particular day was a holiday. Nayru Day, to be exact. Link whistled to himself as he rode along, a song in his heart, and plans in his head. He was going to visit a lady. The lady he adored more than anything in the world. The sole object of his affection (aside from his sword). As he neared his destination, Link whipped off his hat and smoothed his hair back with one hand. He wanted to look good, handsome, worthy of a kiss. 

Finally he reached where he was headed and leapt off of Epona. He spoke cheerily to her.

"Wish me luck, Epona. I may just get a kiss tonight from the lady." Epona neighed as if to agree. He took a deep breath and entered the ranch. 

Cuccos clucked as he stepped along the front path and to the front door. He cleared his throat and straightened his tunic, then knocked with purposefulness. Waiting for a few moments, Link shifted in nervous anticipation. The door creaked open to reveal his date's father, Talon. He gave Link a thorough look up and down. He raised an eyebrow then held the door open. Link strode into the room, trying to ignore Talon's critical sweeps of vision. 

Talon shut the door behind Link and pointed to the sofa in the front sitting room.

"Malon will be a moment or two. Meanwhile, why don't you have a seat?"

Link nodded tensely and sat on the edge of a cushion. He cast a pensive gaze to the stairs which led to her room.

"So Link, how are things with you lately?"

"Um, just fine, Sir."

"Where do you intend on going tonight?"

"To a play and a restaurant in town."

"And then?"

"I'll bring her home?"

"Good answer. And what time would that be?"

"Eh, uh, curfew?"

"At 9:30."

"9:30?"

Talon crossed his arms over his chest. 

"Problem with that time?"

"N-no. That's just fine... Sir."

"I thought you may say that. How's 11:00 instead?"

"Really?"

"Sure, unless you aren't being truthful with me. I can always reconsi-"

"No! Um, no, that's just great Sir. Thank-you very much."

"Any time. After all, you know the consequences."

"Excuse me?"

"I've got a spear and a shovel in the shed. No one will notice you're gone."

"Good point. I'll have her home by 10:30."

Talon smirked and leaned back in his seat.

"My thoughts exactly, boy."

They both looked up to the sound of a door creaking open. Delicate steps could be heard coming down the steps. Link stood at the sight of Malon. She wore a short black skirt, calf length black boots, and a purple blouse. Link raised an eyebrow at the sight of her. Her attire was slightly more daring (no, much more daring) than it usually would be. Talon also stood and frowned. 

"Malon..."

"Oh Daddy, please? I saved up for so long to buy these clothes."

Talon, hating to hear his only child beg, sighed. 

"I give into way too much now. If your mother were here, she'd never allow such things."

"Yes, Daddy."

"But I'm too soft. Have fun, honey."

Malon smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank-you, Daddy."

Link started to escort her to the door, when he remembered the flowers on his back. He asked her to stop and pulled them out. Malon beamed at the sight of them and ran to put them in some water. Talon took the opportunity to say something else.

"If I catch you staring at her legs, you'll regret it."

"Y-yes S-sir." Of all the evil he had faced in the past, none matched up to a protective father. Malon returned and Link helped her into her jacket. He opened the door for her.

"What time?" Talon quizzed.

"10:30," Link answered.

"Have fun."

The door clicked shut behind them. Link took the opportunity to take a look at Malon's legs. They walked to his horse and Link lifted her into the saddle. Malon smiled at him in a suggestive way and Link shuddered. He wasn't sure if he could make it through an entire night without kissing her. Pushing the maddening thought from his head, Link mounted Epona and they rode toward the castle town.

The market square was bustling, full of electric excitement. Nayru Day was a big deal in town. The vendors liked it because it gave them a bit of extra capitol from selling flowers, candy, cards, what have you. Restaurant owners liked it because they would be busy for months with messages requesting reservations. Then there were the masseurs and beauty care people, who made out like bandits getting Hylian women ready for their all important Nayru Day dates. Last and most importantly, of course, there were the couples. Nayru Day gave them a chance to express their affection in public without getting rude stares. 

Link rode Epona to a nearby stable where he could leave his horse for ten rupees an hour. His horse was assigned a number and a caretaker who would bring her around when Link asked for her. It wasn't what he usually did, but it was a special day. Offering Malon his arm, he led her to the local playhouse. Link had bent over backwards weeks ahead of time to get them the best seats in the house - front row balcony. The play they were seeing was a lovely one by the name of "Kafei and Anju." (Very akin to our "Romeo and Juliet.") Halfway through the play, Link pretended to stretch and eased an arm around Malon, who didn't seem to notice. It was a rousing and stellar performance, the best to this day and received a standing ovation at the curtain call. As the crowd filed out of the theatre, Malon reached over and took Link's hand in her own. Hand in hand, they strolled across the town square to a restaurant where Link had made reservations.

They were promptly shown to their seats in a private room. Only two other couples were in the room with them. The air was quiet and romantically lit with candles. A man played a violin in the center of the room. Link stared over his menu at Malon, unable to think of food. She was too beautiful. His stomach was so full of butterflies that no amount of cake or lobster could possibly fit. All he could think about was how lovely she was and about how he would get her to kiss him later on. What if she didn't want to? What if Talon kept to his wishes?

Link was getting quite entrenched in his thoughts when he saw something out of the corner of his eye that he found greatly unsettling. Ganondorf had entered the room. (He was let out of his imprisonment on good behaviour.) Link immediately tensed up. Then he saw the oddest thing. Mr. Dragmire was not alone. If Link had been eating one of the breadsticks that were in a basket on the table, he would have choked. Ganondorf had a date. And it wasn't a woman. A smirk crept up on his face. Date or no date, he couldn't resist. It might serve him well in the future anyway...

Link excused himself from the table and sauntered over to Ganon's table. The arch-nemesis was leaning closely to his date and holding his hand. One of his eyebrows were raised in a seductive manner and his date blushed. 

"Mango likes what he hears," Ganon's dark-haired date replied. Link could hardly keep from bursting out in laughter at the date's attire. He was wearing a gold pair of really short shorts and a gold hat with a veil. His top was very short and also adorned with gold sequins.

"Mango, all I can think of is you! You're all I think of Mango! When we get back to my place, you must dance on the coffee table!"

Link cleared his throat. The two looked up and Ganon's face immediately clouded over in rage. 

"What are you doing here?!" he rasped.

"Just came to say hello," Link snickered.

"Well, you've said it, now go away!"

"Nice to see that you're so polite in front of Mango."

Ganon turned to Mango to see a disapproving look on his face.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mango. This is Link, my arch enemy."

"Nice-a to meet you, Linky. And no, you can't hava de Mango!"

"Nice to meet you, too. I gotta go, Ganny, my date's waiting. But don't worry, I'm sure Naburoo and the other Gerudo women will be quite pleased to find that you have finally chosen your other."

"Tell them and I'll-"

"Aren't you on probation?"

Ganon leaned his chin on his hand and grumbled. Link snickered and went back over to his table. For some reason, it didn't surprise him about Ganondorf...

The rest of the evening at the restaurant passed without incident. At 9:00 Link and Malon left the restaurant. They had an entire hour and a half to spend. Malon held Link's hand as they walked around the town. There wasn't much to do, so Malon suggested that they go back to Link's house. At first, he wasn't sure about the suggestion, but when he got another glance at Malon's legs, he gave it a second thought. They retrieved Epona and rode out of the town. The night air was cold, but fresh and Malon held tightly to Link's waist at they bounded over the grass. After about twenty minutes they reached Link's humble abode. They climbed the ladder and he unlocked the door, allowing the lady in. She walked into his tiny front room and sat down on the couch. Link shut the front door lit a few candles and started a small fire in the fireplace. He sat down on the couch next to Malon, quite ill at ease. All he could think of was two things: what he wanted to do, and what Talon would do to him if he did it. He looked at Malon, then thought of Talon. _Malon, Talon, Malon, Talon, Malon, Talon._ Malon took off her jacket and crossed her legs toward Link. _Malon, Talon, Malon, Talon....Malon._ Link had made his decision.

He leaned in, staring into her eyes. Malon wrapped her arms around his neck. 

"May I kiss you?" he asked.

"Please."

He drew his lips to hers and they lingered for a moment. It was the most amazing thing Link had ever experienced. She tasted so wonderful, it was all Link could do to not do bad things right away. Feeling bold, he kissed her again and she did not object in the least. He kissed her over and over, the feeling in his chest swelling. Neither of them payed attention as they lied down on the couch in each others' embrace, passionately... snogging.

  
  


The sun came up over the horizon full and bright. Talon sat in a rocking chair in his bathrobe, his chin covered in stubble, a large spear in his hands. A shovel rested against the chair. His eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep. They had missed curfew. By many, _many_ hours. All night he had worried about her and he was ready for a faerie boy's hide. He would skin that kid and hang it on the shed, he decided. 

Meanwhile, Link and Malon were just waking up. Malon was in one of Link's tunics, her hair tussled and her clothes from the previous night strewn on the floor. Things had... _transpired _the night before. Not that she regretted it. It was wrong, she knew, but somehow, it had happened. Link was pulling on his boots when she opened her eyes. He turned around at the sound of her waking up. Smiling, he leaned over her and kissed her on the lips.

"Mm, is it morning already?" she mumbled.

"Yup. And I need to take you home. Your father is probably going to kill me."

"Don't worry. I can take care of it."

"You know, I didn't know it was possible, but you look more beautiful in the morning than you did in the night."

Malon blushed. She wrapped her arms around his neck again and kissed him. 

"I don't want to go home."

"I don't want you to, either."

"Let's stay just a little longer," she whispered and kissed his neck. Link mumbled something quietly and gave in.

About two hours later, they set out for the ranch. Link feared terribly for his life, because there is one thing worse than a protective father; that is an _angry_ protective father. However, when the ranch neared into their view, Malon came up with an idea.

"My window faces the field. You can drop me off there and I'll climb the vines on the wall."

Link agreed to this and did so. He climbed up the vines after her and kissed her before she shut the window after climbing quietly in. Slowly, he went back down and rode home. 

Talon had fallen asleep in front of the house with his spear, but he wasn't going to give up, not when he later woke. He would make sure Link never got near his daughter again.

And then, of course, there was Ganondorf...

  
  


_To be continued?_

  
  



	2. Revenge! Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!!

The Big Date

Chapter 2

  
  
  
  


_Author's Note: Okay, not quite what I expected to happen in the end, but things work this way when you're an insomniac and can't sleep till the cows come home. Aw, just read the danged thing. If you want another chapter, just e-mail me or somethin... yeah... Uh, this was fun to write. Okay, I gotta go cause I'm acting strange, dude, or chic, or whoever you are... um, yeah... -Robin Wright_

  
  
  
  


Link reached his house to see that the front door was ajar. Funny, he remembered locking it before he left. He cautiously drew his sword and entered. Things were strewn about all around the front room. Looked like he had been robbed. As he stepped fully inside, the door slammed shut behind him and a knife pressed to his throat.

"Drop the sword," someone ordered.

Link did as he was told, his breath tense. 

"Who is it?" he asked, since the assailant was behind him.

"What, you can't tell?"

"Lemme guess... Ganondorf?"

"Bingo!"

"But you're on probation."

"Hey, I'm evil, dammit! Do you think _probation_ means anything to me? _Hell no!_"

"Point made. Now why are you holding a knife to my throat? Is this about how I defeated you and helped banish you to several years of hellish imprisonment?"

"No."

"What, then?"

"You made Mango lose interest in me!"

"What?! How?"

"He wants you! You damned bishounen! Why couldn't I look like you?!"

"I don't want him!"

"But you're going to help me get him back."

"I'd rather rot!"

"You will if you don't!"

"This had better not involve anything I don't like doing."

"Ha! You'll see. Not like I'm giving you a choice, though."

"Good point."

Ganondorf snapped his fingers and they were whisked away in a burst of red light. When they landed, the two of them were in front of a white house with a white door and a white picket fence.

"What is this strange place?" asked Link.

"It's Mango's house, you dummy!"

"Oh, yeah."

Ganondorf smoothed his red hair back and rang the door bell. There was yelling within and the door creaked open. Mango peeked out, his hair wrapped in a pink towel. He wore a ridiculously short pink bathrobe with ruffles on the sleeves and collar.

"Oh, hallo meester Ganny! How ees you today?"

Ganondorf blushed.

"Oh, I'm fine, Mango."

"Oh! And you have-a your leetal friend weeth you! How nice! Would you like to come een an hav-a some tea?"

Before Link could object, Ganondorf accepted and they went inside. Mango led them into a pink living room with lots of floral patterns and directed them to a pink couch. Link thought he would barf at the sight of it. The entire room reminded him of a bottle of Pepto-Bismal. Mango scurried into the kitchen to put on the tea.

"Well, now what?" Link asked with annoyance.

"Shut up. Leave it to me."

Link sighed. He would have sat back if it wasn't for the fact that there was a dagger to his back. 

"So Ganny, I didn't know you were of the persuasion."

"Huh?"

"I didn't know you were gay!"

Ganon scoffed.

"But I'm not!"

"What do you mean, you're not! What's all this with Mango?"

"Mango's a girl!"

"No he isn't!"

"Yes he is!"

There was the sound of china breaking. Mango stood in the doorway with his mouth agape and broken dishes all over the floor.

"Mango ees not a girly! You can'ta hava dee Mango!" he slapped his rear and pulled out a large hairpin. "Mango will hurt both of you now! Geet outa Mango's house-a!"

He chased both Ganondorf and Link out of the house and into the street. Link prepared himself for a bolt of lightning from the King of Evil, but was surprised to hear sobbing. Ganondorf was on his knees on the sidewalk.

"Mango! Mango! I'm sorry Mango! Please, take me back! You're all I ever wanted, Mango!"

A shrill voice came from one of the front windows of the house.

"You can'ta hava dee Mango! *slap*"

_Now that is sad..._ thought Link. He pulled out his Ocarina and warped out of there as quickly as he could.

  
  


Malon came out of the house wearing clean clothes and saw Talon sitting in a rocking chair by the door, snoring. He was in his bathrobe and a spear lay across his lap. She sighed and opened the front door. Laboriously, she dragged him inside, chair and all. When he woke-up, she would try and convince him it was all a dream, she decided as she put the spear away. Remembering something, Malon went back up to her room. She was shocked by a sudden swirl of blue light. The light faded and Link appeared. He looked around and grinned.

"Wow, I played a wrong note and look where it took me! I think I like this shortcut!"

"Where in the world did you come from? You smell like lilacs and peppermint."

Link told Malon about his little adventure.

"So Ganon's gay, eh?"

"Who knows. He's just weird anyway."

"Yeah."

"Hey, I've got an idea."

"Hm?"

"Let's make-out."

"Okay."

They forgot to lock the door in their eagerness.

  
  


Meanwhile, Talon was waking up. Though he was slow at times, he had a quick sense of hearing, and he knew what he heard upstairs and what had woken him up. Malon had taken his spear, but she had neglected his shovel. He leaped out of his rocking chair and pounded up the stairs to his daughter's room. He swung the door open and there in a chair were Malon and the faerie boy. Talon gripped the shovel firmly in his hands.

"Faerie boy, I'm a-gonna skin your hide offa ya, and hang it out to dry on my shed! Get your green forest hands offa my Malon!"

Link broke out of a kiss with his red-haired beauty and jumped up.

"Talon! I can explain!"

"Auugh!!"

Talon raised the shovel over his head and gave chase after poor Link. Malon stood there watching them, unsure of what to do, exactly. Talon pursued Link around a table in the middle of the room. Link turned over a chair in a desperate move and Talon leaped over it. He was overweight, but with the right motivation, he was Link's athletic equal and more. Soon, Talon had the boy cornered. He chuckled evilly.

"Now you'll see why all of my daughter's dates meet curfew!" He raised the shovel above his head and Link winced, ready to take the hit. (He was still without his sword and didn't have any means with which to defend himself.)

"Daddy, stop!" Malon yelled.

"This is for your own good, honey!" he answered.

The shovel went down toward Link's head, but it didn't have time to hit. The room was rocked by what seemed to be an earthquake. Talon pitched forward and landed on Link. Plaster fell off of the ceiling, dusting everyone in white. The rumbling stopped, then started again. Beneath Talon, Link realized that it wasn't an earthquake. In fact, he could hear someone calling his name...

"I know you're in there, Link! Get our here, now! Face me like a man!!"

Link wiggled out from under Talon and peered out the window. Below, Ganondorf was flying around on a shovel and zapping the ground with bolts of purple and green lightning.

"Oh no! Not him again!"

  
  
  
  


Link ran out of the room just as Talon was about to whack him over the head. His shovel hit the wall with a resounding clang.

Link dashed out the front door and Ganondorf turned about.

"Finally, you show yourself! I was about to run out of magic, trying to get you to come out of your mousehole, you coward!"

"What do you want?" Link groaned. It just wasn't his day.

"We have a score to settle, you Mango-stealer!"

"Wouldn't it be 'Mango-thief'?"

"Eh?"

"You're not speaking in proper Engli - I mean, Hylian."

"Oh, uh, okaay..." Ganondorf scratched his head.

"Let me try that again... We have a score to settle, you Mango thief!"

"Much better."

"Thank-you."

"Wanna get some tea and biscuits?"

"No, thanks. I had some already."

"When did you have time?"

"Oh, Mango threw them at me when I begged to be let back in."

"What kind were they?"

"Chocolate."

"Do you have any left?"

"No, I was in too much of a rush to come out here and kill you."

"Aw darn."

"Frightfully sorry. Shall we?"

"Sure. Why not. Should I start, or would you like to? Your choice."

"I'll go, thanks."

"Any time."

Ganondorf zapped lightning at Link, singeing his boots.

"Hey! I just got these at HotTopic, you fiend!"

"Bwa-hah-ha-hah-haaa!!!!"

They ran around the grounds like idiots, Link screaming and Ganondorf zapping away, laughing maniacally. Talon came out and saw what was going on and decided to join Ganondorf in his task. They made a rather good team. After about ten minutes of Link screaming like a girl and some well aimed zaps and shovel whacks, they had him backed up to a wall of the house. 

"Now you'll learn your lesson, you indecent lech!" hollered Talon.

"And you'll see what true fury means, since you drove off my Mango!"

"Our Father, who art in heaven hallowed be Thy name..." Link prayed, sure that his end was near. They were interrupted by a loud screeching noise from the roof. Everyone looked up in surprise.

"Oh no, not again..." said Talon.

Malon stood on the roof, a white rope in hands, wearing spandex. She looked like... _Spidergirl?!_ _What kind of a story is this?!_

"Hey, I can't just hang in the shadows during all of the fights, Robin."

_Oh, fine. Have at it._

"Wee-hee-hee!"

Malon swung down from the roof and snatched Link in her arms. They landed across the way on the roof of the stables.

"Malon! You saved me!"

"Shh! It's Spidergirl for now!"

"I can't wait to play around later..."

"Quiet! This isn't that kind of a story!"

"Oh, yeah.. Forgot, sorry."

Malon leapt off of the tin roof with Link in tow. They went all the way out to the Lake where they spent a wonderful evening. This time, Link had her home by curfew.

  
  
  
  


Ganondorf and Talon were left standing there, dumbfounded.

"What the heck was that?!" the King of Evil asked.

"I haven't the foggiest."

"Well, looks like I'll have to get him back later. Man, I'm gonna miss Mango."

"Mango you say?"

"Yeah..."

"I dated a Mango once. Left me high and dry. I was heart-broken till I met Malon's mother. Of course, then she left me for a circus carney. But that's another story."

"I was a monk in the Himalayas once."

"Me too. Hey, you want some tea and biscuits?"

"Sure, why not. I could use em. Trying to kill Link takes all of my energy away."

The two went into the house and shut the door with a click.

  
  


And that's about it. 

  
  
  
  



End file.
